Such Great Heights
by Conviction
Summary: I ran myself ragged, fighting the emotions swirling beneath the placid surface that would surge up if my steps stilled long enough for them to break loose and capsize me. If you loved me, why did you break the very strength you admired so much by leaving?


You left without saying goodbye, without an explanation. You left me with nothing, nothing but the emptiness of being alone. A day bled into a week, a year that tumbled into another. No reason—just me and the empty bed beside me at night and a room that whispered your broken promises in the cold shadows, taunting and cruel. Burying my face into the pillow, I would muffle the shameful sounds of my despairing sobs into the thick feathery down, staining the pale white surface with my tears.

If you loved me, why did you break the very strength you loved so deeply by leaving? You weren't there to see, to see how much it hurt me, ripped me apart, to lose you. I threw myself into work in a mad frenzy, trying to forget. I ran myself ragged, fighting the memories that nipped at my feet, the emotions swirling beneath the placid surface that would surge up if my steps stilled long enough for them to break loose and capsize me. Because in the stillness, in every quiet moment there existed only memories, thoughts of you. Tantalizing drops of what had once been so sweet.

Arms sliding around me, safe and strong, undermining my determination. A breath on my neck, pointless words murmured in my ear, soft touches that haunt my body. I remembered. I cursed myself for it, but I couldn't help myself. Every detail was engraved painfully into me, and the surreal past was such an intoxicating respite from the snarled disaster of the present.

You weren't there, you didn't see. You never saw the bitten back tears, the grave shadow that furrowed my brow. You didn't watch me try miserably to smile as I fell apart inside. Would it shame you to know? Because it should. I wanted so desperately to hate you for what you had done to me, what you had reduced me to. But in the end I only ended up hating myself. Hated that I had been weak and gullible enough to turn my heart over, naïve enough to believe those foolish fairy tales that fill young girls' silly dreams.

You took my hand, like some prince charming, and flew me up into the clouds, into a world I'd never known existed. I was drunk with the heady rush of feeling wanted, needed, drowning in the piercing invasion of those sapphire eyes as they slipped past all my defenses. You caught me close, pulling us higher, drawing me up with you into wild skies and tumultuous winds. We dared the storms, fought them with our own tempestuous gales and laughed in the face of adversary.

If you loved me, why did you break the very strength you admired so much by leaving?

But you let me fall, tumbling down out of my disillusionment, and you did not even bother to watch me crash. There is no prince charming, no savior—not in the entire universe. Every kiss is now nothing more then a bitter regret. Every touch a cynical reminder of my stupidity and weakness.

I never learn. I'm stubborn that way. I was hurt, reeling from the shock. You may look at me as if I betrayed you, but we both know the opposite is true, no matter how we feel. I keep telling myself that—it gets me through the hard moments, day, weeks. He's a good man. When you dropped me, he the strong arm helping me to my feet.

I told myself I didn't love you.

It was easier to do, in those moments I spent with you. I was so happy and content that it was a simple thing to imagine that I could be fine without them, without you.

I lied.

Sometimes we never realize fully what we have until it's gone.

I want you.

And I hate it.

But it's too late now.

* * *

I was so saddened by how things turned out with Lois and Clark. Gosh, I feel so bad for the girl. Stupid Clark never should have left her.

Still, it was striking the way they portrayed how things played out. One of these days I wanna get around to writing that scene on the rooftop--maybe I'll get inspired after watching the movie tomorrow. Woot!

Lemme hear back from you. THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF POSTING IS SO THAT YOU CAN GET FEEDBACK FROM READERS!!!!! SO REVIEW, PEOPLE!


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